2011

It's been over two years and I have merely stumbled across this old blog of mine. No one reads it, but it's a rather public record of my ramblings and lapses into coherent insanity. Not too much has changed. I am still in love with Errol Flynn, I still write pretentious poetry and love is a bitch. As I'm entering my final semester at university, I hope to blog much more frequently and about much more interesting things. Right now, it's 6 AM my time, so I will drift off to sleep...

Yet another idiot...

Here's Leonardo DiCaprio to Explain
Wife: The Titanic sank for hours?!
Husband: No, the sign says the Titanic sank four hours. Over a thousand people died.
Wife: Why didn't they just get on the life boats?

--Titanic Exhibit
via Overheard in New York, Dec 26, 2009

Musicals are Funny

So, I'm listening to the Christopher Plummer Cyrano, specifically 'I Never Loved You' and 'Tell Her'. I really hate the moral, that you need to tell the person you love that you love them or else you'll live miserably for decades. Jeez. I wish life was that simple, all you have to do is say it and then it is. I just keep laughing inwardly. 'You love her, then why don't you tell her?... Demand that she say yes... For how the hell can a woman tell you love her, when she hasn't been told?' I find his friend's advice more funny than Cyrano's nose. I think the only show to tackle this realistically is Avenue Q, even with puppets. The unspoken hope in 'Mix Tape', 'He likes me, but does he like me like me like I like him', and the heartbreak in 'There's a Fine, Fine Line', 'I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime, but there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of your time'. 'There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.' Most of my college papers have centered on love and romance, whether its farce in Shakespeare, the embarrassment caused by Louis XV's voracious appetite or the Modernist misguided form found in Woolf. I guess I want to explore this until the point that it interests me no longer or to quote the Boy From Oz 'I'd rather leave while I'm in love, while I still know the meaning of the word'. I'm hoping that by the time I find real love, that I won't realize I have, or else I would be forced to put it in perspective of my nearly life-long research from my very young idolization of Clark Gable and Sean Connery to my early school crushes to Hugh Jackman and Gerard Butler to my frustrating (lack of) love life as a young adult to my possible lifelong adoration of Errol Flynn. I don't think I'll ever tell the person I love that I love them, or at least not in the life-altering/affirming way. I may throw it around like when they do something hilariously out of context I'll say it. Or if they say it first, it really is the only polite response. But I am coming to think that once you start to define and label love, then it isn't love anymore. Love should remain a mystery. Even thirty years into marriage, you should still look at that person and smile to yourself for really no apparent other than that they are there and hopefully didn't notice your side-way glance. It's once you tell yourself that you love him, that you have doomed your relationship for you will always hold it to some higher ideal or if not you always run the risk that he doesn't 'love' you back. So don't tell him, don't read into that mix tape. Just let it be and as long as you are happy near him, that's really all that matters. What more can you ask from life, God and the mystery of it all?

Recommendations:
Listen to the Soundtracks of...
Cyrano (1973), 'Love Her', 'I Never Loved You', 'You Made Me Love'
Avenue Q, 'It's a Fine, Fine Line', 'Mix Tape'
The Boy From Oz, 'I'd Rather Leave While I'm in Love', 'You and Me'
Nine, 'My Husband Makes Movies', 'Unusual Way', 'A Call from the Vatican'

Particular Songs
'The Party's Over' from Bells are Ringing (1956)
'Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me' performed by Rosemary Clooney in White Christmas
'I've Got to See You Again' by Norah Jones, yes not part of a soundtrack, but listen anyway

Pretentious Poetry Part 3

Dreams are only lies that our minds believe.
Hopes, wishes and wants continue to deceive.
He said he loved me once, I said he lied.
He said he cared for me once, I stared back and cried.
There are days that are okay, there are nights that are bleak.
Why was my love so strong, yet my heart and mind so weak?
So here I sit, as for another love I dream on to seek.

Pretentious Poetry Part 2 (to the tune of Janis Ian's 'At Seventeen')

I learned to love at fourteen.
I saw him up on the movie screen.
He made me laugh, he made me smile
I haven’t felt that way for awhile.
The valentines that never came,
I felt my youth waste away.
A younger man stepped in my life
I pictured a future as his wife
Love was not meant for him and me
Not like the man on the movie screen.
He would never break my heart,
Never rip my dream apart
Of joining him on that movie screen.
For all of those who play the game
You will never feel the same
After all, it fades away and all that remains
Is the man on the movie screen,
Looking you in the eyes
Telling you it’s okay, you’re not alone
The boy never caused you pain
So here I sit alone at first,
Until the part that he rehearsed.
He comes on screen with his smile
It’s nice to be there for awhile.

Hopeless Romance

I love love. I love the idea, the dream, the essence, the being of love. We all aspire to this golden ideal. If we are good people, hopefully karma will kick in and let us attain this all-thrashing, pulsating fire in the heart only equaled by the indescribable smiling bliss of couple-dom. I’m not saying marriage or an official partnership, but a deep undeniable connection. Whether it be man, woman, shim, that special someone is out there waiting for just the right moment to spring in our lives and throw everything upside down, leaving us scrambling for the pieces until finally you and them are on the same level and your eyes meet, your feet touch, you gently graze their arm. That is when it clicks. When you know why you are here and why they are there and why out of all the places and all of the circumstances, this has happened; that you are in love. You cannot easily describe love or else it would be quite simple to figure out and find. But instead it taunts us, lying merely inches, moments, nano-seconds from our grasp. It is in pursuit of this concept that the feeling can turn into lust, obsession, even desperation. This is when we turn from lovelorn protagonist into a villainous monster of a mess. Emotions run high, neurosis sets in, and you begin to disgust yourself to such an extent that you contemplate ending it all. But then, moments before jumping off the cliff, staying too long at the bottom of the pool or sticking your head in the oven, you realize that no, this can’t be love. This can’t be the hope, the wish, or the dashing man on the able steed riding you off into the sunset. There must still be that out there, that this is only a dark chapter in the storybook of your life. You may not be able to erase the original misconception from your mind, but you can try to dismiss it for what it was, a mistake, a stupid mistake, trying to love someone who does not nor ever will love you. That they never lusted, obsessed, or were led to desperation over you. So now, walk over the dead carcass of a long gone era of self-inflicted pain and romantic exclusion, on to something better, someone better who will make you feel whole in their arms, a certain warmth with their smile, a blush rising on your cheeks when they look into your eyes and you forget everything.

This post’s film recommendations:
Shakespeare in Love
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera
Wuthering Heights (1970)
Gone with the Wind
Gigi
Someone Like You
Sabrina (1954)
Love Affair (1939)
The Philadelphia Story
Becoming Jane
Lolita (1997)
Ever After
The French Lieutenant’s Woman